Against the Grain

Life Update

2006-10-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

So, I realized that those of you who regularly read this blog are those who aren't geographically close to me. I think it's time for an update for you about the circumstances of my life. Well, first of all, I would like to say that it is finally fall. The summer was such a tumultuous roller coaster that I NEEDED for the summer to be over and a new season to start. It's here and I starting new with the season.

Let's start. First of all, the dreams that I realized this summer aren't dead, they are just put on hold to acheive some of my other dreams first. I don't know who knows this, but this spring I was accepted into a pretty exclusive program at Portland State. They only accept about 30 students each year and I got in based on my credentials working wtih kids and what my references had to say about me. It was kind of cool. It's about a two year program called Child and Family Studies and gives you a basis in social work, counsleing, and the other things you would need to work in social services agency and with children. You have one or two specialization that you pick from a liast of about 10 things the program offers. I chose Youth Work and Social Work. When the bottom fell through on my plans for Mexico, I decided to go to school and earn at least this degree because it will be so helpful in the future no matter where I'm at and what country I am in. The really neat thing is, I was in class the other day and they (the program faculty) started talking about abroad practicums. Every spring there are between 6-10 programs in a variety of different countries that offer positions to students in a number of different programs to come and do a term long internship/practicum with them. I was instantly drawn to them. It's not something that I am looking into for this up coming spring, but maybe next year. They had two programs that I was especially interested in: Going to India and helping women and child learn more about their social options and educational options and In Ghana, reaching out and developing programs for the youth to learn about HIV and how to prevent it. It's nothing major now, just a small sliver of thought in my foreground. I am enjoying school and am learning a ton. This time i am actually willing and desiring to go. i feel challenged in my intellect and my beliegs, both of which I have to stand up for each day.

Secondly, before I was going to Mexico, a younger friend asked me if I wanted to move in with her and we had started making plans. Well, again Mexico didn't work out like I thought, and it was even more abundantly clear after Faith Quest that I no longer needed to and wanted to reside at my mom's. When I was headed south, my young friend made plans with my best friend to move into together. They so graciously offered me a place to stay when I needed to and things grew from there and I am now a full fledged roommate. I amnd my young friend share a room, I sleep on an air mattress and 80% of my belongings are still at my mom's house, but I am not so things arent crazy.

Thirdly and Lastly, I have a new job. It's been so long since I actaully recieved an actual paycheck that I forgot how good it feels. I work at the Walgreen's not too far from where I'm living. On nice days I can walk to work or take the bus. It's not the greatest and I don't make much, but I love it. If I could actually make money and be satisfied with retail, I would stay there forever. i love the interaction and the abillity to share a smile with the people in my store. Cheesy, I know, but I do enjoy it. i was made for Customer Service.

Things have been rocky here and there. I started off the school year deciding to take the bus to school to save gas and parking hassles, but a week after I did, my car broke. So, it's a good thing, but two days after my car broke, I lost my $78 bus pass. To top it all off, I lose my phone. But it's ok. I read Blue Like Jazz and fell in love with it. See my previous post for my current readings. My mom and I are doing ok. We dont see each other very often, but I'm just so busy.

My teens are doing well. Last night an elder came in to talk about the importance of moving on, a message some of them need to hear desperatly. Working with Greg has been a learning experience and an adventure. I am glad that he is doing what he is. His plans for the near future are exciting and stimulating. The kids are finally involved in what is happening in their YG and that makes them pleased. I am doing well with it all too. Angry, but I'm ok.

Well, There it is. My life as of right now.

She's Come Undone

2006-10-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

She's Come Undone, a book that was recommended to me by my good friend, Lisa. Actually, it wasn't even recommended, it was forced upon me one night, but that it beside the point. In about two days, I have managed to devour my way through half of the 480-ish pages in the book. I can't seem to put it down and when I'm not reading it, I'm thinking about it. The heroine (hopefully) in the book is Dolores Price...and I hate her. I find her circumstances over dramatized and her reactions to them pathetic. There's one catch though: I see myself in this fictional character in so many ways that it's unnerving. Oh sure, we are fundamentally different and two people who's lives span totally different generations, but the fact is her basic life could be a basic model for mine, even her reaction to things could be mine as well. It honesty has me confounded, I dislike this character so much. I desperatly need her to stand up for herself and quit allowing her past life situations to define her as a person. Hmm...That doesn't sound familiar at all. I know there is a reason my wise friend forced me to read this book and I can see it in the pages as I read it, I am just unsure of what to do with these feelings. Surely I am not like this girl. I keep rationalizing how I am not and why I am NOT like Dolores Price, but deep down I know how similar we truly are. I find that so very sad.

But, for the silver lining and the ray of sunshine. I still have a good 250-ish pages to go. Maybe in that time and a few long rides on the bus (where I do most...strike that, ALL of my reading) Dolores will finally stand up and do something with herself. Maybe she will shock me and maybe the shock will deeply hit home. I know that modeling life after any type of fictional character is wrong and nonsensical, but maybe if this deeply wounded girl can overcome her life by the hand of the author, maybe I can overcome my own in my own penmenship.

Dreams

2006-10-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

I had the best dream last night. It's not really one that I feel comfortable sharing, not because it's inappropriate, but because of those who I know read this. I dont think that I am willing to put out there my deepest hearts desires yet. But it was of a new home, a new place, something that made sense. It was wonderful.

I love you all and miss you so much it hurts.

Church

2006-08-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

I like church. I really do. I find that sometimes I would prefer the worship to be a little different. Then again, who doesn't. But this last Sunday, I have to say, that I loved it. It was church ought to be in my opinion. The songs, the communion thought, and the sermon were all perfectly paired (I know there are three things there...it's my world though) to validify everything I believe all of us in our congregation were or had felt sometime in the last week. The song leader was amazing, on cue with the right words and song and our new minister had yet another perfect sermon to get us thinking. The only explanation is that it was divinly inspired. Not that all (or at least most) Sunday aren't. I believe there is a little bit of something for everyone in each service. But I think that the entire service touch the entire congregation. At least that's what it did for me.

There have been some verses presented to me in different ways and they are some that are encouraging me beyond belief right now. I feel it necessary to share.

~Colossians 3:12-15
"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with conpassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord Fogave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts"

~2 Corinthians 1:3-6
"Priase be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted it is for your comfort, which prodices in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer".

~Romans 12:10-13
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly loves. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need.

To Release

2006-08-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

feel like I should post something. In this last week alone (really 5 days) I've had 1/3 the ammount of views of this blog as I have had in the year-ish that I have been blogging here. But I don't know what to say. My life is more uncertain now as it has ever been, literally. I'm at the point where I don't even know what I am going to do tomarrow (well, church...oh how I need church right now, but that's not the point), let alone what the next 6-7 months will hold for me. But aside from that, you ask how I'm doing. I...I'm exhausted. I'm so emotionally worn out that all I want to do is curl up into fetal position and cry. Fortunatly for those who are looking to me (all two of them) for strength, encouragment, leadership and example, none of these things that I posses and exemplify come from me. I wouldn't be able to do it. God has given me a HUGE reserve of peace, calmness, words, and prayer to use to be steady for my kids. In the public eye, I'm fine; I'm strong, ministering, collected and encouraging. And that is what they need to see. That is what God has called me to be; the rock, the constant...me and Lance. Fortunatly for me, He has allowed me a place where I don't have to be anything than hurting, betrayed, frustrated, emotional. He has given me a place where I can cry, yell, talk, and beat this whole thing to death. So even though I cry tonight, tomorrow I will be able to be vulnerable without being emotional. I can be steady, strong and forgiving after being indignant tonight. Tonight I am home.

Defeated

2006-08-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today I feel very defeated.

The last 40 hours have been very long, very hard and have been like walking around in a dream. In the quiet solitude (quiet is probably the wrong word to use and so is solitude, but you get the point) of my house to I find it ok to cry and allow my emotions get the better of me. Let me start at the beginnging for those of you who dont know. First of all, I had been planning to move to Mexico in November to start a two (or so) long mission there, teaching English and teaching about Jesus. There's a whole other story there, but there is not enough time to fit it in with this blog, but you need to know that I was moving. Also, it's important to know that I have been working with the the church I attendand their youth group for a year now. Saturday night at about 9:30 my world basically exploded.

I believe that this last year has been in preperation for this moment. The relationships that I have cultivated will allow me to be there to help the healing process of this youth group. The catch: I have decided to put of the plans that I had until further notice to be here and be a part of what is going on. I want to be deeply involved in all of this because I was deeply involved in it before. The only problem is trying to figure out a way to support myself (bills, living quarters...I can't continue to live at home, living expenses) without getting overly commited in a full-time job doing something I like, care about, or will find hard to leave. Having a full-time job would also hinder the work that I want to do and be a part of. Greg has decided to step up and help out the remaining youth staffers and I want to be ther to help with the load of two full-time ministries. There is also the question of school. Because of Mexico, I hadn't planned on attending this fall even though I was accepted into an exclusive program at Portand State. It would be beneficial in my current situation and my future life. If I were to go to school full time I would have help from the government and my family in supporting myself. I'm in a cunundrum. It's ok though. In all of these situations I know that God's will will prevail and everything will be alright. It's just I need today to be my day of grieving and bringing myself out of the fog and into the reality of it all.

Romance

2006-08-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a hopeless romantic. I try not be. I can even be very critical and skeptical when it comes to love and relationships. But deep down, I am a hopeless romantic and it just happens to be common knowledge for anybody who is even aquainted with me. I have in the last few years tried to hide this fact about me and not allow it to be a part of my outer layer of charecter. I would like to believe that this facade has worked. Well, paired with my love of classic literature my romanticism has led me to pick up Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice". I have seen two versions of the movie adaptations and have been throughly in love with the story since I first saw Colin Firth (as Darcy) profess his love for Miss Elzabeth Bennet (hey, my middle name's Elizabeth). I mean, really, what woman doesnt want to have a man say this EXACT things to her, "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you".. I'm not totally sure what ardently means, but I figure that it's pretty much amazing. Ok, point. I was sitting this morning reading about Elizabeth's aunt and uncle trying to figure out if the two are in love with one another and I had to swoon at the language and decription or their acknowledging Darcy's love and admiration for her, "They soon drew from these inquiries the full conviction that one of them at least knew what it was to love". Sigh. How long I have secretly and openly desired something like that. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at myself and smile. I already have it.

My dear Dawnette gave me homework in the comment section of my last blog. I have to list out my talents and gifts and then how I can use said things in furthering God's kingdom. For a few days now I have been toiling over the assignment. I have recently been voted one the most self-depriciating people around. It's hard for me to see my strengths, gifts, talents when I feel like I spend most of the time failing God, myself, and everyone around me. Plus, for the few items that I have been told over and over, it feels odd and almost boastful to list them and discuss them, but this is something that I have began to attribute to the devil. But regardless, I am still struggling to compile any type of list in my mind of qualities that I posess that God can use.

Now, for how the two above paragraphs correlate. I have the love and romance that I long for...sometimes it just slips my mind (I'm so unworthy). I already have the ardent love and admiration of someone. They are so taken with me that all of my good qualities, talents, gifts can be directly attributed to this person (They designed and gave me everything I am; little pieces of Their glory sprinkled lovingly into who I am). While I am still learning how to devote my life and mind completely to this person (they truly have my heart), their love for me is never-ending, unshakable, and such that they carry me through any and all hard times I have been and will be faced with. In short, not only do I have GOD's love, romance abd devotion that I read about and pine over in silly books, but mine far surpasses anything Miss Austen could ever pen. So while I still slightly struggle with who I am, what I am, and how these things could be played out in my lover's works and world, I know that I am compassionate, kind, out-going and passionate. I have a (almost to fault) tender heart and can feel the sufferings and struggles of other as though they were my own. I see pain and hurt in the world and all that I want to do is to ease it, whether through a kind word, a hot meal, a game of checkers, or a promise of a life better than this one. I want to share the love that I have and tell people that it is far better and more full-filling than anything that I have found. I'm intelligent, rather quick thinking, creative, and can figure a way out of any situation. I don't know enough of any one subject, but I am inquisitive and have a deep desire to learn. I'm magnetic (go ahead and laugh, but no...I don't attrack metalic objects), people (usually teens and younger, maybe that's saying something) are drawn to me. I know when to be mature and when to be slightly relaxed. I can keep quiet when necessary but know how to have fun. I command attention when necessary but am perfectly content to be behind the scenes making sure everything runs smoothly. I'm level-headed in tight situations and can be a stickler when it comes to getting things acheived in a slightly timely manner. I don't know if this is what was had in mind when I was given the assignment, but I know that this list is composed of the charecteristics that make me...me. These are my strenthens as I see them; the things that have been a help in ministry since.

American Idle

2006-08-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

I've been home for about three weeks. At this point, I'm losing it. Not that things are bad, but they are difficult. I'm at a huge crossroad in my life and I'm at a standstill. Patience was a fruit that I NEVER excelled at. I know that the waiting I am enduring is necessary and (truly) beneficial, but occasionally, I get antsy. I'm waiting for important people in this decision to respond to my inquiries, and for other people come home from being out of town. I feel like the decision to go it made up in my mind, but I also don't want to get so ahead of myself and be completely blown away when God chooses something else for my life. I'm not really sure what this means, because I am pretty convinced that Mexico is where God is sending me and I'm completly and unshakably positive, with no doubt in my mind, that I will be leaving Portland by the beginning of November. But I am doing an unfaithful thing by thinking that people might tell me no or tell me that they aren't willing to support me monetarily and emotionally.

I feel doubt. Not my own, but other people's...maybe it really is my low self-esteem that is just programmed to think that everyone is talking bad about me and are out to see me fail. But not this time...I can't fail and I won't fail because God is on my side and leading me on this one. That thought is enough to bring peace and joy into my heart and a smile to my face.

Music of my Soul

2006-08-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

*Author's note: There is so much that I want to write about right now. There are so many thoughts and topics running through my mind, but I believe this one is the one that needs to be most relevant in my mind, therefore will be the one that I write about*

I have always enjoyed finding secular music that I can relate to my relationship with GOD. Michelle Branch had one a few years ago that I really liked and was easily applicable to where GOD and I were when it was popular. Of course, as time goes on it keeps getting harder and harder to find secular music that you would want Jesus to know you listened to, but this is hardly the point of my musical musings. I fell in a love shortly after Camp this year because I felt that it was a song I would like someone to sing to me (yeah, I had someone in mind, when don't I, but that's gone away). It's just one of those sweet, wonderful songs about someone loving you enough to help carry your burdens for you. It's not your typical love song in any means; It's more of a "I'll-be-here-for-you-now-and-always-to-shoulder-your-hurt" songs. Well, I was driving this morning after a particularly painful night full of self-doubt and self-pity, and this song came on the radio and I couldnt help but cry. This is the perfect song for where I am with God in my life right now. This song speaks volumes about our relationship and how so often I go to humans with my problems, or look to people to fill up my emptiness when I have a friend, lover, maker, creator, and savior who is and will be everything I need, if I would just go to HIM with it all. I feel so guilty when I have to be reminded of this. But that is also not the point. The point is: Bring it on Home by Little Big Town is now one of my anthems to my Father and how I know HE feels about me. It doesnt make everything all right, but it makes it sooooo much more bareable. Here are the words.

You've got someone here
Who wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more than life
Right Here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you all through the night
Right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
And you know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am

So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Oh, bring it on home
Oh, bring it on home to me
Home to me
Oh, bring it on, bring it on home
to me

You've got someone here wants
To make it all right
Someone who loves you
More than life
right here
~Bring it On Home
~Little Big Town

If you want to hear the amazing song go to the link above and click on "Bring it on Home"

My Answer

2006-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

I had been spent most of Thursday talking with people of the church, getting advice, defending my decision, and making preperations. I was on my bed and had just finished up my first lesson from my online course in Historical Christian Evidence from Sunset, when I began to read Matthew 6:18-24. This passage had been one that I had been using all day long to justify my faith that God will take care of me no matter what happens. (Can you be too confident in the Lord's abillity??? People seem to think so) I continued reading into Chapter 7 and got to verse 11 and couldn't help but smile. "If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more with your heavenly Father give gifts to those who ask him"(NLT...not my favorite translation). This encouraged me to pray and pray BOLDLY. Years ago when I was a student at Faith Quest, Chris Goldmen spoke about wimpy prayers VS. praying boldly. Why dont we have enough trust and faith in God to pray BOLDLY for the things we want. Not selfish, piddly things; but those that are going to bless others and us because of GOD's great works. So I began to pray boldly for answers, "Lord, this is what I want and where I want to be so that YOUR work can be done and YOUR light can shine to the people of Mexico". After a busy day I decided that I wanted to spend sometime admist GOD's glory and beauty praying and journaling. I went to go see the sunset at Rocky Butte.

I walked up the stairs and over the the West facing wall. I took off my camera and snapped a couple of pictures. While I was still looking through my viewfinder a man's voice drifts over to me with excitment, "Beautiful, isn't it??" I agreed. He continued to talk to me and I got a little annoyed (i'm not gonna lie). But I calmed my selfishness and began to converse with the man, "Maybe I can tell him about God and invite him to church" Well, the man could talk. He was a man in him late 40's early 50's who had just moved to Portland from LA. As he shared with me his story, I felt more and more elation. The last year he was in LA he went through some of the hardest times of his life; he felt dead inside. He came up here to visit his brother and after a 2 week visit he knew that he would be moving here. Portland was the first place in a long time that he truly felt at ease and happy. When he went back to LA with the determination to move back here in 9 months, people laughed at him, told him he couldnt do it, that it was another one of his hair-brained ideas, and that he would never survive. This drove him even more. He worked hard for a while preparing to move and he's been here for a month now and hasnt regretted his desicion once. He is alive and happy on the inside for the first time in a long time. He is in love wth area. At this point, I was all smiles and had a tear (just one) welled up in my eye. I had to interrupt him and say something to him (do you see the congruency). I told him that I didnt know if he believed in God or not, but I did 100% and I believed with my whole heart that God had sent him to Rocky Butte that night so that he could talk with me and tell me his story because it was so similar to what I had been going through. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I have God bumps"...YES, GOD-bumps. Apparently he was in a store in Vancouver not much before the sunset and a girl there told him that he needed to go see the sunset there and to go tonight. He had never met her before, but in casual conversation, she insisted on his being there. So he went. I told him a little more about my life over the last two months and how I was pretty sure that I was dead inside, I hated life, but couldnt really see a way out of it. But thanks to the words of a most trusted advisor (and I'm sure one of my only loyal readers) my life began to spin out of control towards my moving to Mexico, the first place I had been happy in a long time. He smiled at me as we continued to exchange stories. He was excited for more as I told him that before I was 95% sure that I was moving to Mexico, but his being there at that moment and his story made me 110% sure. He told me that he would be praying for me and that he knew that I would do wonderfully there teaching people about GOD because he knew just in our short conversation that I was such a person that people respected and were drawn too. I would never be lonely for companionship and that the LORD would do amazing things through me and inspite of me (His WORDS!!!). We both began to leave and walk out together, still talking. My car was parked dirrectly in front of the stairs, but I could see in front of my for a while. We said good-bye and he began to walk down the street in front of me. I got in my car, put the key in the ignition, looked up and he was gone. I couldnt see him, and didnt see him as I drove by cars and down the side of the mountain. He seemed to cease to exsist. An angel from the LORD.

I no longer have any doubts.

Por Mexico, con mucho amor

2006-07-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

My last post was a while and I will start off by updating and saying that my life didnt get much better after that. It was pretty nasty. But I am now so thankful for what happened that I can't begin to describe. Life is so much better in so many more ways. The situation has not been absolved, but life as I know it will never be the same. Allow me to elaborate.

I left for Mexico in pretty much the climax of all of the pain and struggle between me and my mom. In fact, I left one night, 3 days before we departed, after a huge screaming match and if I had had any money, I wouldnt have returned. The day I was supposed to leave I almost asked if my mom didnt come to the airport, I was ok with just taking the MAX out there. While I was in Mexico it hit me that I no longer had a home. I was homeless. Yes, I had a roof over my head, but it was no longer my home, just a cancer in my life holding me back from achieving what I desired. Talking with a group of girls (mexican and american) I broke down and told them that I was scared to leave becuase for the first time in a long time I felt as though I was home. The nightmares that I had been having for the last month had stopped while I was there and I was HAPPY, truly happy. We prayed about it and not long after I called back here to Camp where one of the most favorite people was. We talked and she told me exactly what I needed to hear. I will never become the person God wants me to as long as I am in Portland. I first need to get out of my mom's house and second need to get out of Portland. After spending a bit of time in prayer this overwhelming peace came over me and I knew that it was in GOD's hands. From there on out I accepted the fact that by the end of October I will no longer be living in Portland.

What does that mean and where will I go?? I want whatever GOD has in store for my life. A large part of me is thinking HE is leading back to Mexico and I will know more about that once I have some good conversations with those around me. This is something that I would love to do and am spending a lot of time in prayer, fasting,and thought about. I refuse to approach this like I have many other events and ideas of my life because this time it's for real. It's for keeps. (Drama, I know) But this is it. It's now or never. If I dont do this now, I never will and I will NEVER become who I desire, which is the person that GOD has planned me to be. HIS grace has saved me more times that I will ever know and because of that I only see it fitting that I go and tell the world about what HE has done for me. Mexico is my desire, but I want it to be the LORD's will that prevails in my life.

Garage Sale...UPDATE!!

2006-06-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 20 days since the garage sale. I feel like I have taken enough time of silence to reflect on and full appriciate the situation and am now ready emotionally, spiritually and physically to be able to write about it. Elie Weisel took 10 years, why can't I take 20 days???

In my first post I complained about the ammount of crap we recieved and how we weren't going to make any money. While I don't retracted the statement regarding the absolute crap we reieved, I would like to humbly eat my words about making money. We needed about $1500 to reach our budget for going to Mexico. The total raised at the end of the day, when counted was around $2500. It shocks me how often we pick and choose when and how God is going to provide for us.

What is love???

2006-06-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

The topic of this blog is one that I have pondered over and wrestled with for over a year now. Even though I have taken all of this time to think about it, I am not sure that I can actually articulate what I think and how I feel. I will try though.

I just found out that someone I used to be aquainted with, who is married, is pregnant with another man's baby. She and her husband have been seperated for about 6 or 7 months and have yet to get divorced. They are now in the process of doing so because of the baby. Even though her marriage wasn't the thing dreams were made of and she hadn't seen her husband in a while, she still desecrated the vows she made by sleeping with another man. When she said "until death do us part" what she really meant was, "as long as things arent tough". I'm not pointing fingers here, you would need to know the whole story to do that and I'm not even going to get started on her soon to be ex-husband.

I have another aquaintance who had 4 girlfriends before he got married (including his wife). To each of these girlfriends he professed his love and desire to make them his wife. Four women...four. He told (relatively) the same thing about love, marrieage and happily ever after to four different women. If I were the forth, I would have to stop a moment and raise an eyebrow at the sincereity of his remarks.

There are many conclusions that I could make about these two examples and many more that I have encountered. These are two of them:

People of my generation (and I refrain from limiting to just christians or those who are religious, though I think it stands out most among these groups), living in America seem to be desperate to get married. Now, I realize this is a gross over generalization, but how many woman can you honestly say you know went to college to get the MRS. degree. Probably a lot less than back in the day, but the world has made so many progressive steps in the last few decades that it's amazing that this is still SO prevalent. My reasoning for this theory is this. How easily people through around the idea of love and the words "I love you". People say it to whoever and so often. How can you say you love someone, say vows of forever in front of God and Family, yet walk away a little while later. Maybe you weren't in love in the first place. (GASP!!) How can you profess you love someone, but the love goes away after you break up, yet you love the next girl you go out with and that goes away when that relationship is over??? Maybe you weren't in love in the first place (SHOCK!!!)

Love has become too despensible...it's too easy. I dont believe that many of us actually sit down and really realize what to love someone means. I can't tell you, I don't know for sure. But I know that it is more than words. It is more than sex, kissing, holding hands. Wait, I do know what love is. To love someone is to put your own needs and desires, wants and wishes, comfort and pleasure, life aside so that they can live. What I think is the most shocking is that as christians, we have the greatest example of love ever known, yet so many of us desecrate the memory of that love by falsely claiming to love people, taking it for granted and allowing it to be so easily disposed of.

Garage Sale...even in my sleep

2006-05-20T04:21:00.000-07:00

ok, I don't have much time to blog, but I will do my best to convey what I am feeling right now. It is now 4:19am and I have been awake for almost 50 minutes. In less than 10 minutes, I will be packing up my car and heading to Gresham for the Youth Group garage sale. 12 long hours of organizing, pricing, bartering, people, people who smell, unpacking, packing, too many chiefs and not enough indians, and a whole lot of junk. I haven't had a "real" full time job for almost 6 months now, but if you include the time at home, away from home, and at the church building I have put into this garage sale, you would have to say that I am working WELL over 45-50 hours a week. I'm not complaining. It's been...fun. I just don't think it's too much to ask that some people don't give us their garbage or their garage sale leftovers...you know, the stuff that NO ONE wanted to buy because it was smelly or belonged in the trash. This is a fundraiser, not a junk dropoff.

Thoughts for God

2006-05-13T07:04:00.000-07:00

I like to think I am clever; that I have an amazing wit and an understanding of the world that not many people around me share. Just look at the title of my blog. I think the reason for this may be that somewhere in my life soneone decided to tell me that I have a genius level IQ. I have become inwardly arrogant about my knowledge of things, though I am always willing to listen to what others have to say and am willing to learn from people. But one luxury I have allowed myself is to know there are something I will NEVER be able to prove or understand...the basis of faith, right? Well, because I refuse to make myself sick trying to prove the exsistance of God, I use my intellect, deductive reasoning, life expirience and FAITH to know that He is there. Some people would consider this the absence of intellect, but I hartily disagree. However, this is not the point of this blog. The point is, since I doubt there will ever be complete, hardcore and wholly substantial evidence that God exsists, enough to convert even the toughest of critics, there are lesser phenomenons that will only be able to be explained by asking Him about then when I get to heaven. These are some of my questions:

~ How did You come up with the color purple??
~ Which of all of the religions had it most right???
~ Did You ever just roll Your eyes at sects like the JW's or Mormons?? Or did their lack of faith make You want to cry??
~ What did You think of president Bush
~ Was there any one specific thing on earth that was made for just me???
~ What is Your stand on Evolution?? Did you create it just to drive people batty??
~ What did You write in the dirt on that day long ago??
~ Who was Mary Magdelene, really?
~ Which of the conspiracy theories was the craziest? Which was the closest??
~ Why do chickens not have hands or arms??
~ What was Your favorite part of earth??
~ Is there any other intelligent life out there??
~ How many more galaxies and planets exsist outside of the milky way??
~ What really was the cure for cancer and AIDS??
~ Did You give people ideas or just the intellect to figure it out themselves?? For instance, did You know that Thomas Edison was going to create the lightbulb because You put the knowhow in his brain, or was he a number of people who was up for the running, but it worked out the way it did??
~ What did You think about "The Passion of the Christ"??
~ What really are women's roles in the church?? and how do You feel about instrumental music??

Now, I know what you are thinking, and I agree. Most of this isn't really going to matter once I get there. I know that. But if God is my God like I know He is, He will be happy to answer any questions I have. Not only this, but because He made me curious, I can see Him plucking me out of the party, choir, whatev., sitting me down with a nice cup of coffee and telling me I have the open floor. He will probably even remember everything that I wanted to ask Him, even though I don't and could care less that point, and answer all of my questions.

How can such beautiful things exsist and people still question the exsistance of God?

2006-04-22T01:17:00.000-07:00

For almost a year now I have been working with the Teenagers at my church and even though there have been some ups and downs and hard times, I have really enjoyed the time I have been able to spend getting to know these kids better and ministering to them in anyway possible. Summer is coming soon and so the plans for summer activities have started coming around. I thought that I pretty much had my summer planned and was really excited for the things to come. I was going to Senior Teen Camp (a new expirience), and going to Toluca, Mexico (also new), not to mention a variety of other great adventures. I was really, really excited. Unfortunatly I was going to have to bi-pass my most favorite thing of the last 5 years, Junior Teen Camp. I was ok with this situation, having dealt with my grief over the last few months. I could be absent for a year and go back next summer, premitting, after all this was pretty much a once in a life time event and I love mission work. Well, about a month ago my Grandma went to the Doctor and scheduled a total knee replacement surgery. It was going to happen the Thursday before Sr. Teen. I could be there for it and go out to camp on Sunday, I would have to miss our anual senior party, but that is one of those things. Then some bad news came, due to some unforseen circumstances, I would not be able to go to Mexico. It was a very hard decision that I had to make, lots of prayer and thought went into it. But on Wednesday I told James that I would not be going. My heart was really sad. Then over dinner the next night my grandma tells me that she is NOT going to be having surgery on the 15th, but they are moving it back a week to the 22nd, right in the middle of Sr. Teen. Now, I know it might seem a little superstitious, but the only two surgeries of my familes I have ever missed were my grandfather's, and he died, and my mom's c-section of the twins, and she almost died. I dont think the track record is very good there. I refuse to miss this surgery. So, that cuts Sr. Teen for me. While I love my Jr. Teen, it is usually the highlight of my summer and I was excited about getting a few new expiriences in this summer. Now, I dont know for sure if I am going to Jr. Teen, but it seems to me that there might be a reason for all of these things happening. I just received my annual email from JohnO, quite a bit ahead of schedule, only a day or two after I make these huge altering decisions. I cannot go an entire summer without spending some quality time out at camp. So maybe God is trying to tell me something.

A thought for the day

2006-04-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Someone who I consider to be wise once told me that the only reason I was a liberal was because I was young and didn't have to pay taxes (not serious taxes, as he explained it). While I can see his point, I have to have enough faith in myself and my beliefs to know that there is VERY little that could happen in my life, even having a grown-up job and paying grown-up taxes, that could make me change my views in this area. I am a conservative liberal, but with the current state of affairs in our country and the ways of the "conservatives" in office, I can feel very secure in saying that I will very, very seldomly agree with anything they have to say.

My thought, even though I am going to leave it at just that and not argue my point, is this: Jesus was a liberal.

A different life.

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just happened upon this old Blogspot of mine and realized how much my life has changed since my last post. It has been almost a year since then and looking back I am a much different person. I have seen things and expirienced things that have enriched my life so much that I am almost embarressed to look at my previous posts.

For the few people who read this...I may have lost all of my readers due to the fact that I haven't blogged in a year...My life has taken an exciting turn. At the end of the summer last year I was severely floundering. I had no idea what I wanted from life and what I wanted to do with the life I had been given. The road I had previously been on was an apparent dead end and I needed somewhere to go. Due to the words of a most trusted advisor, I decided to do something rash that I had always been passionate about. Just over a week later I found myself traveling with 8 other people to Slidell, Louisiana to help with Hurricane relief. I spent 6ish days there and have been changed since. This isnt the biggest news though. I am working with the youth group at Metro and have grown as an adult increasingly because of it. But most excitingly, I have found my calling in life. For many years my family has run a daycare out of our home and unpurposefully we have become a place that specializes in caring for special needs children. The severely abused, ADD and ADHD, autisim, and even problems that are undiagnosed. Introspectively I watched myself and figured out that there is a huge soft spot in my heart for those who cannot help themselves as well as others. I knew that God was calling me into an area where I would really be of use. I have an abundance of patience when it comes to the little ones (odd, I know...it just recently developed) and through a few deep conversations I started to research my ideas. I found my answer. This fall I will enter Portland State as a Junior on my way to getting my degree in Child and Family Studies. I should graduate in about 2 years (just a shade under a decade...alright) and then I will begin my Masters in Early Childhood Early Intervention Special Education. I am so excited about this and have taken the right steps to ensure my sucess.

I apologize to any of you who have stopped reading my work, but I hope that I can entice you back with promises of renewed love for my blog.

I have no clever subject title....just raw emotion and no where to dispell it too...

2005-05-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is the fact that my body is suffering from a surge of estrogen that is telling me to be overly emotional or if my brain is suffering from the lack of a certain chemical (no not drugs) telling me to not be overly pissed off, but that it what I am. I am emotionally pissed off at everything that breathes right now. Every time someone talks to me, I get even more angry than I was before. So I have retreated to listen to angry music and stare into an empty space, because nothing there moves and therefore will not find a way to make me seethingly irate.

GRAWWWW!!!

2005-04-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

I dont know if it is the upsurgance in female hormones or the fact that there might be a full moon on the way, but I am feeling particularly frustrated and annoyed with people in my life. The sudden change in personality and perception is so incredibly frustrating. To see how two weeks ago we were one way, yet now we are totally different. Not only that, but watching other people give up toatl responsibillty for anything is mind boggleing. Why not get up off your butt and do something about what you lost, instead of complaining and rolling over like you are already dead. Really people, pull your head out of your butts and figure it out. PLUS...I really dont need people in my life to be playing games and screwing with relationships that I have worked hard to cultivate. Dont butt into to anything or anyone that you dont know. Huh Uhh!! Not Cool!!

Silver Linings...

2005-04-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

So, instead of being the pessimist that I tend to be, I am now going to do some inner reflecting and occasionally find something about myself or just life in general that I truly love that I dont find in others very often. This is the first entry:

I truly love the way that I can find humor in almost any situation and that I find things funny that most people dont. For example. I have a very interesting writing professor. I cant really explain why he is interesting, maybe it's just his ora, but there is something about him that really just captivates me. I enjoy sitting in his class and soaking up just about everything he has to say becuase he has a way of saying that makes it completly relatable to me, even if it's not. Point...Sitting in his class absorbing what he's saying, I find so much humor in it. I have found myself sitting there quietly giggling at what he is saying, how he's unobtrusivly making fun of someone, or just how he tries so hard not to flat out tell people that they are wrong and stupid. I thought I was the only person who could see humor in any of this, until today when I sat by a girl I had never seen before, which is funny because it's a relativly small class. I, again, found myself smiling of laughing at the way information was presented and I realized that I wasnt alone. The girl next to me was also laughing and smiling at the same things I was. Occasionally we would glance at each other and laugh a little harder. Finding humor in people and how they are is something about myself that I have always enjoyed. I have not known many people who were able to see the same humor and enjoyment that I do. It was nice to find out today that someone else shared my slightly warped sense of humor.

aforementioned whining

2005-04-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

OK, so when I started writing in this blog, I promised myself that I wouldnt conform to my normal habit of depressing and bitter diatribes about the opposite sex and how much they suck. Well, unfortunte for the three people that read my blog, I'm not very good at keeping promises, especially those that I make to myself. So here it goes, hopefully it will not last too long.

I sincerely havent felt this way in a while. In fact, it's been so long that I was shocked and almost confused to feel it again. It took me a while to actually diagnose what is wrong with me. See, when I was younger, when I would like a guy that was "way above me" and that I really had no chance with, I would go through a small back period where all was lost and I knew that nothing would ever come from me and my current lust. It became a small depression that I kept to myself, but my normal sunshiney exterior would fade for a few days while I dealt with my shortcomings of not being able to attract the opposite sex. It has been about two years since I have gone through one of these periods and that one was pretty weak compared to how bad they would get in High School. I think the last truly bad "black period" was freshman year. But today I find myself swimming in shocking, yet familiar emotions. Not for just one boy in particular (though a certain Fred Meyers man leads the charge on this whole thing), but for the whole outcome of my happiness in the long run. What am I doing? There has to be soemthing wrong with me, or I wouldnt be alone. It's times like this that make it really hard to want to think any more because all of my thoughts revolve around the emptiness that is overcoming my heart. See, I really am a dark person, I just try not to let it come out as much as it could...I really am messed up.

And on top of this, I have been recently evaluating my life. Am I really happy? Or do I just put on a face to make myself and others think that I am? I know the answer to this, but I really dont know how to change it. I think that I am partially afraid to admit to myself the answer. And I really dont know how to change it. But I am tired of feelign this way...Any ideas?

Cursed

2005-04-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have been saying it for years, but the events of this last weekend have proven to me that I am cursed. I dont know what it is, but there is something about me that just brings on horrible, unfair, and unjustifiable bad events. Now, I know that life is not fair and I should see the glass half full instead of half empty and all of those other great cliches that lend no solice to the occasion, but really...it's getting a little ridiculous. So, for those of you who have read previous blogs know that I have chickens. The count was up to five, that is until Thursday night. Late last week our dogs discovered that I had chickens in my bedroom and have been trying to sneak in there for a few days, well I sent my sister to my room for something Thursday and she forgot to shut the door all the way, a few minutes later we all heard something a little weird and she decided to go check on the chickens. A few seconds later, Liz and I heard the most horrible shreik as Allie was screaming my name. We ran down the stairs as Skippy (dog) brought Nappy (chicken) to me in his mouth. Nappy was limp and her eyes were closed. Allie ran upstaris and Liz grabbed Skippy. I put Nappy in my hands and started to stroke her (and bawl, of course) she opened her little eyes and looked at me one last time before she finally went to chicken heaven. Then we had a funeral. So that was a HARD night. Then Friday, I'm on my way to school and I'm on I-205 right where the next three exits are all freeway exits and my car starts making a really weird and scary noise. So, I call my house and my grandma tells me to get off the freeway and head home, well the next exit is for I-84 east, so I take that one and the noise gets worse. I get off at the 122nd exit and on the off-ramp my car dies. I try for a good 4 minutes to get it started. Finally, my car breathes what little life is left and starts just enough to get me up a hil and on a side street. I blew a rod in my engine. So Sunday night, I'm driving my mom's car to Blockbuster and it's acting like it's not getting enough juice from the battery, but being bull-headed like I am, I kept pushing it. When I get done, I go out to start it and it will barely turn over. My mom comes to jump it and she cant even make it home. Another car I have broken.

Let's look at my track record for cars I have owned in the last three years. Not a single one has last over 8 months, most of them barely make it to 6 months. It's not fair. Now I am busing it for a while until I can sell enough of my time to by myself something cheap and easy...just like me.

Strange Love

2005-03-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

So, I think I am in love. I recently recieved something that I have been longing for for a long time. I have been blessed with the gift of having CHICKENS AS PETS!!!! I know that it may sound weird, but ih ave wanted two chickens for so long. Not only do I have two chickens, but I have THREE chickens. They are all hens and so cute and nuerotic, so they fit in nicely at my house. Their names are Napolean Suzanne, Rosie Nicole, and Bartholamew Eileen. Barty (bartholamew) has to be my favorite because she loves me very much. In the mornings or at night when Im getting ready for bed, she hops up on the edge of her box and watches me and talks to me. she will lay on my chest, nestle in my cleavage, and go right to sleep. It's really cute. I love my chickens and cant wait for htem to grow up.

Appriciation...

2005-03-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

I have been recently blessed (for lack of a better term) with a truly good guy in my life. In all the time I have known people of the opposite gender, I dont think I have had an expirience quite like the one I am having with the guy at my local Fred Meyers. But let us divulge into a little back story first:

There is an incredibly gorgeous guy who works the checkout lanes at the Fred Meyers close to my house. I had actually seen him at Blockbuster first where he was a regular on Tuesday nights for a while. I knew that he worked at Fred Meyer's, just not which one until one day about a year ago I saw him at the one by my house. I never really thought anything about it until a month or so ago when I was there with a friend and he totally gave me a look. This sent me off the deep end (see previous blog for more information and back story) Anyways, in the last few weeks, being the completly transparent and open individual that I am, I have succeeded in making my lust for this guy completly known. If he doesnt know that I want his body, then he is entirely too stupid and doesnt deserve to be amongst humans. Yeah, it's pretty obvious, I go in there all of the time, go through his line, make stupid statements, blush like crazy when I talk to him...it's rather comical. But the really cool thing is that it doesnt really seem to scare him off. He still makes a point to come talk to me when I'm in the store, he smiles at me and looks deep into my eyes (:D). I know that it doesnt seem like it should be such a huge deal, but lets take a look at my past and how many guys I have known that have still been cool with me even though they knew I thought they were hot...I think there's one maybe two, and that's out of a lot of guys. Even really close friends of mine were willing to drop me out of their lives when they found out that I was attracted to them. It always really hurt. Just because I'm attracted to you doesnt mean that I want a relationship with you or that I would be willing to do that to our friendship if I did. So the fact that my hottie is still just as cute and friendly and great as he was the first time is really great. I dont care if it's part of his job, because I dont see him going out of his way to approach all customers or converse with them. I dont even care if he does it to feed his ego. If it really needs to be fed, I will gladly feed it for him. I just can really appriciate the fact that he is still cool and not all scared and ackward whenever he sees me. It's a nice change and it makes me appriciate him eve more and makes him hotter than ever.

(To myself) Freakin Idiot, you're ruining my life....

2005-03-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

So, I really love the fact that I have not moved past the age of 15 and that trying to talk to a guy that I think is attractive is practically impossible. Actually, I am being completely sarcastic. I think it's possilbly the most frustrating charecteristic about me. How am I ever going to get married? I dont know. Even guys that I didnt once find attractive, but they grew on me, I have a hard time talking to. It's highly frustrating. Take the new guy. So far, With the way I've acted around him, I feel like he should be running away screaming in fear, but he doesnt seem to be. He is your average really gorgeous guy with a great smile, eyes, lips, hair...everything; the whole enchilada. I didnt really start getting in over my head until he gave me a look. Not just any look mind you, but a good appriciative look. Then I was hooked. It happened a time or two more, and I have even managed to squeak out a few sentences in his presence. I see him a few times a week and almost always interact with him when I do. The last few times have included him conversing souly with me and giving me big flashes of the great smile. Of course, this has me sprinting towards fantasy land where he is my knight and shining armor. Here's the issue, I really cant form any type of smart comment around him. Tonight I blurted out "how old are you?' and something along the lones of "Clumsy here broker her...thing? in the...uhh...parking lot". It's bad. Help me, what should I do?

Missing you

2005-02-26T01:21:00.000-08:00

OK, I have to say this because it's my block and only like 4 people read it and I can do whatever I want....

I miss you. I really hate to say it because you REALLY hurt me. But I do think that us not being friends anymore was part of a plan because I know that it would hurt to see what's happening to you and to see what you are becoming if I were a part of your life. I wish everything hadn't been a lie. As much as I care and about you, and I don't want to, I almost wish that we had never been anything at all.

I miss you. Not because we were super close or because we get to spend a great deal of time together. I miss you because of what you mean to me. I miss the symbolism that you hold in my heart. The two short weeks we have spent together has taught me more about myself and about love than I could ever hope to imagine. I miss you because you chose me and not who everyone else chose. I miss you because you are the fourth thing I need and want most.

Relationships

2005-02-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

I will be the first to admit that I have never had any type of relationship (romantic, serious or otherwise)with the opposite gender. I have had lots of guy friends, but no romantisizing has happened between us. But after the years of watching A LOT of friends go through relationships and engaements and marriages, I have come to form a strong oppinion on what it is that I want from a relationship. Some of these points have only been made more concrete and visable in the last year or so as I have watched a few good friends pretty much die and dissapear due to their relationship. Here are some of my thoughts:
1.) NEVER EVER EVER do I want any type of relationship, most likely even in marriage, where I feel it necessary to spend all of my time with the person I am seeing. If at every waking moment I feel it necessary to be attached to the person I am super friends with, I give permission to anyone who reads this to shoot me. I dont understand it. Do people really think that it is healthy to spend ALL of your free time with that other person, never allowing other people into your world? I dont see how you could even be dillusional enough to think this.
2.) NEVER would I allow the person I was dating, or ANYONE for that matter dictate who I was and wasnt going to hang out with and who my friends were and were not. If you, the person that I am dating, are so insecure with our relationship and my fidelity, then you doesnt need to be with me. If I was going to date one of my friends, why in the world would I be dating you. I chose you, not anyone else. Not only this, but get over yourself and see the first condition on dating. I dont need to spend all of my time with you and will never listen to you if you ask me to stop hanging out with certain people. Even if this is something that would make you feel better and more secure with our relationship, I still wouldnt EVER do it.
3.) I will keep an open mind when it comes to other peoples opinion of my relationship. Instead of thinking that everyone is wrong and doesnt understand, I will try to take a step back and see it from their point of view. Because if quite a few people (say3 or more) see something wrong, then maybe there is something wrong. I will try to trust the people I love and respect to tell me if there is something wrong and I will try to keep my eyes and mind open to what they are saying.

Those are the main infractions I have seem from more than one couple I know, so these are the things I HAVE to stay away from....because they are what drive me nuts and make me want to jab out someone's eye when I see them being violated.

Spineless

2005-02-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

I seem to have this problem and I dont know how to fix it. I am too greatly influenced by people in my life...even those who actually read this blog and think that I am writing about other people when in fact I am writing about them too. Not only this, but I am far too impetuous and head strong. I rarely think things through and make my decisions without weighing the consequences. The situation I am in right now is one of those. In a moment of anger and frustration, I made a decision and started plannig without even thinking of the possible ramifications of my decision. I always try to find a way to take the easy way out. But now that I have given the situation a little more thought, I find myself impetuously deciding to not do it. Not just because I can, but because staying put in my life now, even as miserable as it can be right now, would prove not only to myself but everyone around me that I am not flakey and that I can follow through with something. Also that I am not as easily influenced by everyone in my life. I don't think that I can no longer try to run away from my situations in life and try to find something easier and a lot less complicated, because there is no such thing.

On Monday, I heard someone talk about loving yourself as a true devotion to God. Not only that, but loving where you are in life, loving what you have been given and loving yourself. You must love the entire picture of your life before you can truly love another the way God intented you too. And I feel that as much I would love to take the fun and easy fork in my road right now, I need to learn to grow up and see the beauty admist the frustration in my world. Only then will I actually be able to "love one another" and maybe actually appriciate that song.

PS...I'm sorry and I know that you hate me. This was probably the one thing that I could have done to really make you hate me. But I still love you.

Flakey??...me??

2005-02-11T23:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, So I know that I am a little flaky. In fact, I'll be the first one to tell you, right after my family of course. I dont finish things that I begin. I'm a great starter and a horrible finisher and I dont do what I say I am going to do a lot of the time. So, I guess that I shouldnt be overly suprised that when I unloaded my latest idea on to my family, they didnt seem supportive. While my lack of suprise is expected, it doesnt mean that it didnt hurt. No matter what I do, it never seems like I have the support of the people I need from so much. But it could be that I really have played the wolf card far too many times. But I dont think that it should matter. It's those kinds of things that make me really excited for the new chapter that I am, hopefully, going to be entering soon. NOw I just have to work really hard to prove that I can do it.

Stereo-types

2005-02-08T00:40:00.000-08:00

When I think about the enormous travesty that occured in this nation in November 2004, I cant help but immediatly turn to one of the main reasons for President Bush's re-election. When the middle of America voted Bush, the right-winged people asked why? Dont you think that he is going to find a way to take all of the money from every beneficial system in America to fund a war that needn't be fought or to protect us from something we shouldnt be overly scared about anyways? So they asked, what was it that made you vote for bush, or what main factor were you looking for when you saddled up to the voting booth? The answer was shocking. Over 60% said that morals and morality were what they were looking for the most. It is amazing to me that in a country that is so immoral and doesnt seem to care that we elect a president because he seems moral. Look at some of the greatest leaders this country has had. Thomas Jefferson, Franklin D Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton...they have all had mistresses or affairs of one kind or another...yet despite their immoral actions, they led this country to new heights and visions that were almost unheard of before. Not only that, but to call Bush a moral president just because he says he prays, wants to do away with abortion and outlaw gay marriages shows just how messed up a large majority of this country is. The man spouts off about how it is our duty to give freedom to the people in Iraq and implement a democratic system into their lives, yet fails to see that if we force them to accept our way of life, it's not make them free, it's making them us. He pleads with Americans to side with him when it comes to war and to raise money to helo the tsunami vicims, yet his inaguration was obscene and distastful as all of the HAVES in this country came out to celebrate a man who is making them money hand over fist.

The whole point of my spouting off on Bush comes to this. It is hard for me to call myself a Christian and to be acknowledge with this group when I know that there is stereotype that all Christians are closed-minded conservitives. The unfortunate thing is that this statement has been proven to me so many times that it hurts to think about. I dont think that abortion should be abolished, I dont think that gay-marriages should be out-lawed, I dont think that we should condemn people for thier life choices. I know that the New Testament churches and the people who attend them should see that this is not what God and Jesus would want. Jesus came and talked about love and fighting evil and sin with love. No more Brimstone and fire. As a whole we are only turning people away by allowing this to happen. I had a few friends who were so elated that Bush was re-elected, yet the only thing they could tell me about him and what he was doing was that he was gonna out-law gay marriages. They knew nothing about his policies, his track record, or even what he had been doing the last few years. This made me sick to my stomache.

So for all of you out there who claim Christ and voted Bush. I hope that in 30 years when you want to retire, but cant because there are no social security benefits; or in 10 years when your kids turn out to be illiterate because every child passes in school even if there are no teachers, I hope you know that President Bush is the one you need to thank.

Lying to myself...

2005-02-07T18:35:00.000-08:00

What am I doing? I dont think that I really know. I have been trying for the last month or so to force myself into turning my back on something that I know in the deepest part of my soul and with every fiber of my being to be true. And I'm doing it just for a few "good" times. But I think it was clearly evident that I can be a part of this and still have a good time. Was it because I have such a hard time looking at my contemporaries, the very people that I am supposed to be in deep fellowship with. The people who I am supposed to be bonded to, I look at and see the self-righteous anarchy that plagues them everyday. Instead of even romotely attempting to follow the teachings that were so clearly laid out for them 2000 years ago, they go about in little self involved worlds snubbing and admonishing the very people that they should be helping and who they so closely resemble. A little side note: I dont see this as much in my same aged peers, but those who are supposed to be role models for me, those who are leading the very organization that they deny. I know that I am probably just as bad, but I dont want to end up that way. With a younger generation just waiting for me to die so they can revolutionize the whole deal. I know it's not about that. It's about Him and what he did for me. I dont normally believe in signs, but they have been all over the place. He is quietly battleing for me, knowing that I could snap out of it once and for all. I'm tired of allowing a war to be waged over me. I'm tired of knowing what I know and knwing what I have seen and expirienced, yet still denying the deep and powerful longing that is inside of me to to break free from the bonds of this world into something greater.

This piece of Humble Pie is annoyingly bitter

2005-02-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

With all of the recent discoveries that I have been making about what I want from life and all of the choices I am fighting, I have been even more judgemental in my own quiet way than I ever was before. But the ironic thing is that fate, God, the cosmos, or what ever particular chance system you might believe in has shown me how blind I have been. And in the irony deals with someone I have openly loathed for quite sometime.

I've known this guy for quite a few years. He is someone who is very reputed and almost infamous in the area churches of Christ here in Portland. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to get to know the famous, we'll call him, Ronny D. But after a few failed attempts and futile efforts, I began to see that he was not interested in even talking to me, let alone getting to know me. This, of course, stunned me because I rock. That started me on a path of indignation whenever it came to talking about him or being near him. Even though I disliked him, I still respected him a lot. Then he started going to the same college as me and it being the small school that it was, I was forced to come to the reality that he wasnt as great as everyone thought he was; he wasnt God-like in his ministry endevours. In fact, he was too human to live up to everything I had ever heard about him. My respect fell greatly. And I have spent much of the last year completly loathing him and despising being in the same breathing space as him. My friends have told me that I am too harsh and I just need to get to know him and make more of an effort. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the first devo I had been to in a while. Struggleing with the polar ideals that I have been, I was nervous. And about halfway into the hour, Ronny D started talking. I rolled my eyes, yet kept listening. He talked about struggles and basically spoke about what I had been going through. He was talking to a crowd, but his words were directed at me even though he knew nothing of the situation. The tears freely flowed. I couldnt believe it. He helped in ways that he would never ever know bout. Then last Friday, I was hanging out with some of our mutual friends and he was asked to come along. Over the next 6 or 7 hours, I laughed so hard I cried and I gained an appriciation for this young man that I had once loathed entirly. Getting to spend time with him was one of the greatest and interesting times I have had in a very long time.
So, I dont know what's going happen now, I dont know if he will actually acknowledge my presence or if he will ignore me like always, but it doesnt matter because we will always have bowling karaoke and the mutual teasing of a good friend.
But what sucks the most is that, I can no longer loathe him, I can no longer wish he would go away. Because now I know that there is somethign else there.

Music of the soul

2005-02-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

*Sidenote*~I always tend to blog more than once in a night...it seems that I have more to say on some nights than others.

This post is also about music. About a month ago I compiled a list of some of my favorite songs, stuff that is kinda slow and mellow, but very pretty. There are about 50 songs on it and I listen to it when I am writing a paper or studying. I hadnt really listened to it and just let the shuffle button do it's job until tonight. During one of my procrastination times, I started paying attention to the songs that were playing and they ALL reminded me of a time in life about 2 years ago. But the cool thing was that they didnt just remind me, they brought me back to the same emotions that I felt when those songs meant to much. Before I knew it, I had tears in my eyes and I was almost desperatly missing the person and people that the songs represnted to me. As sad as it sounds, it was an amazing feeling.

This is exactly why I love music. I dont think life could exsist without it. I mean, no wonder we had to evolve from whatever it was we evolved from, so we could make music. The raw emotion that it can convey in someone and how it is SO different from the feelings it might give the next person. Not only like, but musis can express through lyrics, chords, and melodies, what we might not be able to find words for. Music has saved me with this last factor so many times. When I am upset I have been able to search for hours for even one song that I tell someone to listen to becuase it is able to tell them how I feel when I can't. This session of music exploration usually ends in a great new compilation that has some silly name such as; "The Saying Good-bye Mix", or my personal favorite anthology: "the Broken Heart Mix", "Broken Heart Again", and "Broken Heart Revisited".

So for those of you who dont know the healing power of music, I hope that I have in some way showed you how great music can be.

Words of Wisdom

2005-02-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who believes there is a song out there that can convey exactly what you are feeling. In fact, I believe this so emfatically that I will spend hours upon hours searching for said song. With everything that has been going on lately, and only a small fraction of the few of you who actually read this have any idea whats been happening, I had to turn to an old classic. Words of wisdom from the man himself: Kenny Rogers.

On a warm summer's evenin',
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler.
We were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a-starin'
Out the window at the darkness.
When boredom overtook us,
He began to speak.

He said, Son, I've made my life
Out of readin' people's faces.
Knowin' what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind my sayin',
I can see you're out of aces,
For a taste of your whiskey,
I'll give you some advice.

So I handed him my bottle,
And he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette
And asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet,
And his face lost all expression.
He said, If
You're gonna play the game, boy,
You gotta learn to play it right.

You've got to know
When to hold 'em,
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done.

Now every gambler knows
The secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away
And knowin' what to keep.
'Cause every hand's a winner
And every hand's a loser
And the best you can hope for
Is to die in your sleep.

And when he finished speakin',
He turned back toward the window,
Crushed out his cigarette
And faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness,
The gambler he broke even.
And in his final words I found
An ace that I could keep.

You've got to know
When to hold 'em,
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done.

You've got to know
When to hold 'em,
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done.

You've got to know
When to hold 'em,
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done...

~The Gambler

Comedic Genius

2005-01-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

There are few things in this world that I love mroe than laughing so hard that it hurts. This summer I was subjected to a week of movies lines (from Anchorman) repeated over and over again before I ever had the chance to see the movie. I then went and saw it and could believe that the rational and sane guys that I had just spent the week with actually thought the movie was that funny. They had killed it for me. But then a magical and wonderful thing happened. It was released on DVD and VHS. I rented it and laughed extremely hard. I rented it again and laughed so hard that I cried. The more that I watch the movie, the funnier it gets. That is all to segueway (poorly I might add) in to this thought:

Many people are harolding Will Ferrel as the funniest man alive and that he will soon become a comedic mogule. The hype is all Will Ferrel, but I would like to driect the attention to one man who, I think, in the next decade will take comedy to a whole new level. Steve Carrel. It's true folks. As a newsman on The Daily Show and the short stint on America's version of "The Job" to main feature films such as Bruce Almighty and Anchorman he has proven that it doesnt necessarily need to be a headliner to be hilarious. I first loved him in Bruce Almighty where his genius showed (Patrick, you're genius is showing) and about peed my pants when I saw him in Anchorman. He is starring with Will Ferrel in the modern remake of Bewitched coming out thie summer and sometime late this year he will have one of his first big production and staring role films called "The Forty Year Old Virging" I can't wait to see when he's going to do next because I think that soemtime in the near future people will be calling Steve Carell, the next big thing.

Parental Trust...

2005-01-30T20:26:00.000-08:00

I am 21 years old. I am a legal adult. By law I am considered a Major, no longer an underpriveledged minor. Yet, for some reason I seem to have been transported back in time to the age of seventeen. Ah yes, seventeen. A time where high school was still the highlight of your life and curfew was still in effect. IN this odd sense of reality I find myself a little befuddled at the new behaviors my mother has reverted too. I get the sense that my mother no longer trusts me nor does she think me capable of rational thought and making my own descions. This all apparently coincides with the reality and identity crisis that I am in the middle of. Now, instead of trusting me enough to let me go out wiht out a very descriptive detail of what I am doing and who I am with, I recieve the third degree about the actions of my forthlying evening or day. I am 21 years old and have never done anything bad. I was always the good kid that parents wanted their kids to hang out with because I was a good influence. I've never rebeled or done anything that could be considered a breach of trust in anyway. In fact, I think that I have more than earned enough trust to last a few lifetimes. Yet, everytime that I have been away from my house in the last week, I have either recieved a phone call asking what I was doing and with whom or when I would make a pit stop at home, many questions would come flying my way before I could make it up the stairs. Up until now, I have complied with the questions and answered everything that I have been asked. I have even endured the warnings, the prohibitations, and the looks of fear and horror when I tell her what I am doing if she doesnt approve. Now I have reverted to lying about it. I have been driven to do something that is considered untrustworthy because I refuse to be scrutinized this way. After all of the years of doing nothing wrong and now I am start down the path of unrighteousness (little joke in there). I am not my mother and I am not going to make th same mistakes that she did. She was married and having a baby by the time she was my age, not to mention doing drugs and shortly there after hanging out and dating bikers. I am not her. I just ask for a little bit of trust, since I think that I have spent my time earning it.

And just for another matter. I am not doing anything wrong. I am 21 and a legal adult. If I want to go out with friends, no matter who they are, and have a drink, I dont think that I should get the look of death and a "be Safe" as I go out the door. I am not a moron. Al I want is the abillity to look at the line every once in a while. A fool may have to make mistakes to learn from them and a smart person may learn from everyone else's mistakes, but even the smart person needs to test the waters here and there. Nobody can go through life never learning anything from their own expirience.

To Friend or to Foe

2005-01-28T01:18:00.000-08:00

Ok...how hard do friendships honestly have to be??? When is enough, enough??? Is there a certain point after a few years of trying where you should get the hint that maybe the cosmos are NOT shining down in favor of this friendship that you have been working so hard at??? I think so. And I think that it is time that I face up to the fact that there is a friendship I need to acknowledge this about. I think that I have known it for a while, that a friendship might not be worth it after all of the time you've put into it and it still doesnt go right, but I wasnt ready to give in. But now, it has hit (again) the beginning of the viscious cycle that it seems to go through. How many more times are we going to put ourselves through this before we realize that it just might not work and we have to be ok with it??? I'm not trying to say that I don't adore my friend and would love nothing more to have the friendship that we have been working at for so long now, but it's getting ridiculous. We only hurt and frustrate each other. And then there's the fact that I am STILL floored to know that when I thought it was good, it supposedly wasn't. How can I ever be confident of our friendship when I was so mistaken before.
I think that this is truly affirming my theory that most humans are sercretly masochistic...they are just too afraid to admit it.